Where do most couples end up when their marriage starts to fall apart? For the most part it is couples therapy or counseling of some nature, right? When neither person wants to let go but they do not know how to fix their issues, then they turn to an objective third party to show them the way. The question is whether counseling can actually save a marriage.
Many people go into the sessions expecting someone else to shoulder some of the work of getting the marriage back on the road of happiness. This is an unrealistic expectation as no one can do the actual work that leads to the restoration of a marriage besides the married people themselves.
Before even walking in the door to your first session, have a clear understanding that the therapist is going to give an objective point of view, not validation to your own thoughts and feelings. If you go in there expecting this person to see that you are right and "fix" your spouse, then you will get nothing out of it but frustration and disappointment.
A therapist is not going to take sides or say one person is right and the other wrong. Their job is essentially to steer the couple to working out the issues, which are created equally by both of them. They both share bits and pieces of the blame, but therapy is not about blame.
The issues that must eventually be brought to light during therapy are the ones that lie beneath all the petty squabbling. A husband may argue to death that his wife never cleans the house but the real issue is likely that he feels she does not love and value him enough to keep the house clean for when he comes home from work. That is the issue the therapist cares about.
Under every petty argument is a deeper issue.
Couples who go into therapy knowing that finger pointing is useless and they both have their own flaws have a higher chance of success. Both people have to be willing to put their own defensiveness aside and just listen to one another.
For example, instead of getting defensive that she says she feels lonely and screaming that you have to work so it's not your fault; just listen. Don't translate it to mean anything about you. She is lonely. That is all.
That is extremely hard to do, but if you can both force it at first then things will get easier. You have to remind yourself that the other person's problem doesn't always mean something negative about you. If you can do this, then chances are high that you can save a marriage through counseling.
Many people go into the sessions expecting someone else to shoulder some of the work of getting the marriage back on the road of happiness. This is an unrealistic expectation as no one can do the actual work that leads to the restoration of a marriage besides the married people themselves.
Before even walking in the door to your first session, have a clear understanding that the therapist is going to give an objective point of view, not validation to your own thoughts and feelings. If you go in there expecting this person to see that you are right and "fix" your spouse, then you will get nothing out of it but frustration and disappointment.
A therapist is not going to take sides or say one person is right and the other wrong. Their job is essentially to steer the couple to working out the issues, which are created equally by both of them. They both share bits and pieces of the blame, but therapy is not about blame.
The issues that must eventually be brought to light during therapy are the ones that lie beneath all the petty squabbling. A husband may argue to death that his wife never cleans the house but the real issue is likely that he feels she does not love and value him enough to keep the house clean for when he comes home from work. That is the issue the therapist cares about.
Under every petty argument is a deeper issue.
Couples who go into therapy knowing that finger pointing is useless and they both have their own flaws have a higher chance of success. Both people have to be willing to put their own defensiveness aside and just listen to one another.
For example, instead of getting defensive that she says she feels lonely and screaming that you have to work so it's not your fault; just listen. Don't translate it to mean anything about you. She is lonely. That is all.
That is extremely hard to do, but if you can both force it at first then things will get easier. You have to remind yourself that the other person's problem doesn't always mean something negative about you. If you can do this, then chances are high that you can save a marriage through counseling.
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